Emotions.
They’re great, right? They allow us to communicate how we feel. They show joy, love, and appreciation for others. They also allow us to feel shame, disgust, and sadness. There’s an entire range of feelings in between there, too.
There are 5 people living in our house so there are a lot of days where someone has big emotions. When it comes to kids, big emotions usually come with tears, crying, yelling, and sometimes laying down on the floor. Adults don’t have this range of physical displays of emotion. We have over 20 years of experience where we learn to hold it in and to let it loose when it’s appropriate.
Typically parents start seeing big emotions around 18 months. This is because children are usually not able to verbalize what they’re feeling. They can feel anxious, scared, or excited but don’t yet have the vocabulary or else they can’t verbally say the words to convey those emotions. As children grow and develop, their ability to communicate gets better but at the same time, their brain is growing by leaps and bounds. This prevents them from being able to acknowledge and verbalize how they feel. It seems like a vicious cycle, and in some ways, it is, but I promise you, your kids will get through it.
I wasn’t always great with dealing with big emotions. It used to make me cringe and get anxious. I didn’t know what to do when one of our girls started screaming in the middle of Target and everyone started looking at us. (I know now that everyone has a child who has screamed and yelled in the middle of Target and if they don’t, chances are pretty good they will one day.)
I taught the girls strategies to calm themselves down when they were about 4, and we use them regularly. They work well but since then we’ve added a new strategy to our list: HUGGING.
Not a puny little one-second hug either. It needs to be a full on 6-second hug. That sounds funny, doesn’t it? 6 seconds? It doesn’t sound like a lot of time but it is! 6 seconds “is the minimum time necessary to promote the flow of oxytocin and serotonin, mood-boosting chemicals that promote bonding.” {That comes from the book The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin on page 45).
Once the feel-good hormones take over, you’re bound to feel better than before you hugged. Plus, who doesn’t love hugging?
The other night one of our kids was in full on meltdown mode and while she was sobbing and pushing against her door, I asked her, “Would you like a 6-second hug?” “I don’t know!” she screamed back at me. I suggested we try and I swear, 6 seconds later she was smiling.
This does not replace the need to discuss the underlying reasons for the big emotions. It still needs to be processed but we all know that a person, even a child, needs to be in a good frame of mind when we discuss a problem. They may be ready to discuss it right away or they may still need to wait until later. Follow your child’s lead and you’ll have success.
Now, I’m not a rookie at tantrums. I know this won’t always work. Maybe one day a tantrum will be too big or the novelty will have worn off. Meanwhile, I’m sticking with the science behind it and will declare that 6-second hugs make a huge difference.
How long do you think you hug people? Do you think it’s 6 seconds long?
xoxo
–k
Click here to read how to teach your child to calm themselves down
Sometimes emotions are too big for our children to be able to process. It’s important we teach them to manage them and that starts with teaching them these 3 ways to calm themselves down.
Click here to find out what 2 questions to ask after a tantrum
We’re used to toddlers and preschoolers having tantrums. When school aged kids have tantrums we’re taken off guard because we aren’t expecting it. This is totally normal and you are not alone. Do these 2 things to help the situation be better for next time – because there will be a next time.
Click here to learn how to balance your child’s needs when they’re angry
Emotions like anger can be tricky for kids to process. Sometimes they want you close and sometimes they want to be alone. Here’s how you can balance your child’s needs when they are angry.
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