Every once in a while, the doubt creeps in.
I am doing this wrong.
I am messing this up.
I will ruin her.
We have a child who loses her temper. It used to be quite often. I’d feel like I was walking on eggshells trying not to trigger what would set it off next, but not willing to sacrifice our rules, either.
These days it happens less. Much less. She starts to cry uncontrollably and clenches her fist. Sometimes she swings. She misses but I suspect that one day her fist will meet with a part of me.
You’d never know it if you met her. She is sweet and polite and is always kind. She is thoughtful, friendly, and helpful. I’d like to think she is the best of me, but I suspect she also has parts of the worst of me, as well.
Somehow I became the person who deals with her. Perhaps because I feel guilty about her behavior? Did she learn her anger from me? Does she remember when I used to yell all the time? Did I teach her that this is okay? Because it’s not.
It happens most before bed so I am sure that tiredness is a key component. I take her into her bedroom, usually against her will so that I can protect her sisters from a physical altercation and the visual of their sister breaking down. I sit in front of her door so she cannot get out. Sometimes she lets me hold her while she lashes out. Other times I play a game on my phone or look around the room I decorated just for her.
I disengage. I am patient. I talk softly and slowly.
Over the last 6 months, we’ve taught her how to calm herself down. The conversation used to begin like this:
“Let’s practice some ways we can calm down. One way is to take deep breaths.”
I practice taking deep breaths and she follows along with me.
“Another way is to count to 10 slowly.”
I begin counting and she joins in.
“And another way is to do some stretching or some yoga. This helps our body to do work so our mind can slow down.”
I sit cross-legged on the floor in front of her and begin stretching.
Her participation was always reluctant. Sometimes it took multiple attempts for her to practice. I get that. Sometimes it just feels good to be mad.
But now? Now, the girl knows how to calm herself down. Now I can say “How can you calm yourself down?”
“Which one of our ways do you want to use to calm yourself down?” and she picks – on her own.
That I taught her.
That I hope she’ll take with her through her life.
Not the anger.
The best part is that even though we usually do this behind closed doors, she is starting to use these techniques on her own in other situations. She can apply what she’s learned. And her sisters ARE watching. The newly turned 3-year old told me the other day that she needed to calm down and began taking deep breaths.
While I may never stop wondering if I am getting this parenting thing done right, some days I feel like my deep breaths are helping me get closer. The evolution of a family is an amazing thing.
Do your children know how to calm themselves down? What’s one way you
use to calm down?
xoxo
–k
This post contains affiliate links.
Here are some great books to help your child (and you!) understand emotions:
Click here to read more about balancing your child’s needs when they’re angry
Emotions like anger can be tricky for kids to process. Sometimes they want you close and sometimes they want to be alone. Here’s how you can balance your child’s needs when they are angry.
Click here to read about how to help your school aged kid when they have tantrums
We’re used to toddlers and preschoolers having tantrums. When school aged kids have tantrums we’re taken off guard because we aren’t expecting it. This is totally normal and you are not alone. Do these 2 things to help the situation be better for next time – because there will be a next time.
Pin this to save it for later!
Nice. Helpful. I used to yell a lot too. Sometimes still yell too much. Trying to be more conscious of that and to handle conflict in more constructive ways. And hopefully passing that on as well to my son.
I love this. My 5 year old has awful freakouts sometimes and I get so frustrated. I think I'll try some of these ways to teach him to calm himself.
I so appreciate this post. My daughter is still so young, but she is starting to shows signs of a crazy temper, so it was great to get this perspective. You're a smart woman, Mama!
Dear God I feel like you were describing me and my daughter EXACTLY!! Except I didn't have the where-withall to hold out for 6 months of trying. We've done the deep breaths and counting and yoga, but I only tried them a couple times before I caved to her defiance.
Such great advice! Kids need to be taught these things. They have real emotions too, and we can't expect them to be able to cope like we do without skills. Great post!
Good advice! I often calm myself down by disengaging – reading blogs, listening to music. It's hard, though, when emotions are high. I love that you have taught her this and I know it is something she will use throughout her entire life.
My son uses the same techniques and they are so so effective! He also clenches his teeth and balls his hands into fists, but he hasn't hit in a long time (fingers crossed).
Such a lovely piece here Kristina! I love how you have used some great techniques to help you sweetie calm down, and don't we all question how much they 'take' from us?
Bless your heart mama. You're doing GREAT!!!
I have a one who gets really angry too. A lot lately. We work a lot on breathing. I work a lot on not screaming back. Sometimes I fail. We mothers are good at looking towards ourselves for blame. Mothering is hard…but we keep going, right, and keep trying to be better.
I love these ideas- thanks so much for this! My girls and I are ALL working on ways to calm ourselves down. All three of us are tightly wound, and I'm always looking for new ideas!